by Regina
(North Carolina)
Visitors Question:
My boyfriend of one year says that I make him feel loved, cherished, adored, protected, and accepted for who he is, and that I’m the best girlfriend that he’s ever had. He also stated that he loves me, is in love with me, that we have a high degree of compatibility, and that he doesn’t want to date anyone else.
However, when I asked him – after one year of dating – if he felt that marriage was in our future (in the past, he would tell me that although we are not ready for marriage yet, we are dating with that goal in mind for the future), he said he was not sure if he wanted to marry me. When I asked him why this was his response:
“I know that it’s wrong to compare, but I don’t feel the same degree of intensity for you that I felt for my last girlfriend. I know that was an unhealthy relationship, and I don’t need to feel that same level of intensity because that was unhealthy, I do feel a certain amount of intensity and passion for you, but I am not sure that I feel a high enough degree of it in order to want to marry you. My fear is that I may fall out of love with you in the future and I would not want to hurt you.”
He told me that he feel head over heals in love with a woman who did not love him, but would criticize him and tell him that he was too weak, too short, etc. When she dumped him after 8 months of dating, idealizing her, he continued to pursue her trying to change himself in order to please her and get her to love him back. When he started to back off, she would encourage him by acting as though she wanted him back, and the cycle would begin again.
Unfortunately for me, there was a level of intensity that he felt from that experience and he now uses that -to a certain degree – to determine the degree of his love for me. He said that intuitively, he felt that our relationship would be sustainable over the long haul, and that even if he would have ended up with the ex-girlfriend, there were red flags that he overlooked, and in the long run it would not have lasted. He married his ex wife of 18 years and when she did not accept him for who he was and continuously criticized and tried to change him, he tried to change himself in order to make her happy. Once the intensity faded, he realized that he’d married the wrong person.
The lesson that I’ve learned is that it doesn’t matter how wonderful you make the man feel, or if you have a high degree of compatibility – what matters is how passionate/intense their feelings are towards you. In other words: a man will marry someone with whom he has a lower degree of compatibility, and less in common with bypassing the one who made him feel great, and with whom he shared a high degree of compatibility based upon the level of intensity. However, as time passes intensity fades, and you are stuck living with someone with whom you make not even like, or have very little in common with.
Am I correct, or incorrect in my assessment?
Thanks in advance for your replies!
Answer:
Well when you said (a man will marry someone with whom he has a lower degree of compatibility, and less in common with bypassing the one who made him feel great, and with whom he shared a high degree of compatibility based upon the level of intensity.) you can't apply that to all men.
Men and women will do all kinds of things even if it is degrading, all for the search of love. At least this man was honest to tell you the real deal.
I don't care what he's been through in the past, you must realize what you're dealing with right now.
If he still has issues from the mistakes he'd made in the past then that's something he's going to have to come to grips with, and maybe he has but he's just not giving you the answers you want.
If he doesn't see marraige in the future with you and you do, then there are certain decisions you're going to have to make.
I hope I've given you something to go with. All the best to you, take care and good luck.