A lotus in a dirty pond.
by Ms. Anonymous
I didn't know yet, under what circumstances did the jerk marry me, but I married him for good looks. (Yeah, I was shallow once upon a time).
I just thought that he'd be quite a catch for someone very ordinary looking. Oh well, people marry for different reasons right?
The worst was that I never loved him, and still don't. But the reality was that we tied a knot together, although we could clearly see in each others' eyes right then, that this ain't going to work for long.
So anyway, once we were married, lightening struck my heart when I realized he hadn't still gotten over his ex.
He was still talking about her, as if they still were in a relationship. He even told me what kind of lingerie she used to wear when they made love.
I know what kind of music she liked, what colors she liked, what her favorite food was, what ALL they did when they had sex, what kind of make up she used, AND what size were her breasts!?!?! GEEZ!
Like an understanding partner, I let all that go, although it was f*ck*ng painful and sad.
I was patient, and thought maybe he loved her deeply, and for a matter of fact, it is indeed hard for someone to get out of a relationship they've been in for a long time.
But to make matters worse, he always kept himself distant from me, the kind of body language that said, "I'm not ready for a physical relationship." We never made love (rather never got physically close since I didn't really love him).
He said he's not comfortable and still cannot get over his ex. At that point, I realized perhaps he married me on the rebound. So we basically started knowing each other as roommates, who scratched each others' back.
I cooked and cleaned for him, and he paid the bills. I still went along with that, just hoping that things MAY change, and that maybe I'm expecting too much in too less of a time.
Our sex life could be compared to the number of times we get February 29th on our calendar. He complained I don't look pretty, I'm not hot, nor is he attracted to me. He never missed a chance to make me feel miserable. Oh, and he still wished he married a model to match his looks.
Just a couple months after the wedding, I planned a trip to visit my parents in my hometown, and to get away from this clutter for a while. It was killing me inside. I was scheduled to be away from home for almost three weeks.
The as*h*le of a person that he is, already made plans of inviting his OTHER ex girlfriend (mind you, not the one he claimed he still loved) over to spend an entire week with him, alone in the house, while I was away.
I found this by accidentally stumbling upon his Yahoo email, which he left unsigned off before leaving for work. I read their conversations, which led me to cancel my plans of visiting my parents.
When it was time for her to arrive, I told the jerk I'd love to be a good hostess to our guest who's visiting us soon. To my surprise the chick never showed up.
On confronting him with the situation, he defended himself by saying they're just good friends, more like a brother and sister, and she had to cancel her plans last moment due to some emergency in her family.
Maybe he was right, maybe he wasn't. But why was he so secretive if they were just good friends? Why did he write letters to MORE ex girlfriends saying he can't forget what a great relationship they shared and that he's sorry things didn't work out.
I just couldn't understand his mind at this point. I decided enough was enough, and quickly found myself a job to keep me busy, away from all the pessimism.
Soon after, his parents came to visit. I had never lived with them before, nor knew them well. To my surprise, my partner's father turned out to be a bigger jerk than him.
I later found out, after a certain damage was done, that he's got a reputation in the entire family that I was totally unaware of. Neither did my parents know.
You know what he does, until today? He sexually molests young women. Women and girls from his own family and those from his group of friends. He would make sexual passes at them, in the middle of a crowd sometimes, when nobody is looking.
And then when he was reported, nobody were able to misjudge such an INNOCENT looking old man, who cannot even kill a fly!!!!!! Can you believe his gutts? He would come on to them until they shrieked!
At this point, the word started to spread around, not far enough to fall into my ears. But I was totally unaware of the situation when he came to visit. It took him a week to have the audacity to tell me he wants to get into my pants.
Right then I punched him on the side of his stomach with my elbow and looked at him fiercely with wide, red eyes, and shouted, "You back off Mr. and don't ever dare to touch me again".
I immediately reported this to my partner and his mother, who shrugged their shoulders saying it's a misunderstanding and I need to watch what I speak. From that point on the mother started looking at me with green, envious eyes, like I was a threat!
She made my life miserable by constantly nagging me, picking fights with me, verbally abusing me and blaming my parents for the reason I'm too strong headed. All I was asking for was justice!
My parents were the first ones to believe me. When investigated, the truth was revealed. He did have a reputation after all, but everyone tried to shove it under the rug, and hence this wasn't much talked about.
But my partner's mother never changed. Whenever she came to visit, she would always cut me off when I'm talking and try to bully me till I completely surrendered.
Every time she spoke, it seemed she was spitting a dark colored poison from her mouth. She would curse, yell, and squabble ALL the time, to an extent that I started working extra hours at my workplace.
As if this wasn't enough, my partner beat me up every single time he felt I was trying to be strong headed. I once called the cops on him, after which I was showered with letters from the social services, offering any kind of help I needed.
I just wished I'd taken some severe action then. But I didn't let the cops arrest him, thinking I'd give him another chance. Even now, when he does that, I want to call the cops on him again, and this time, I know they'll take him away. But my nature isn't vindictive and destructive. It's not permitting me to do anything nasty.
I've spent 9 out of 10 nights in tears - crying myself to sleep. I've been miserable in the past few years, and the stress is clearly seen beneath my eyes.
I was never allowed to think for myself, I was forbidden to be independent, and I've been reprimanded for having a cheerful and spirited personality! I am tied to a leash, that won't let me go beyond a certain radius.
I feel I'm trapped, and want to break free. My heart has been crushed so badly, that there's a terrible scar across it, so deep that'll never go! I don't have a healthy relationship with my married partner! I don't know why the heck do people even get married.
None of his friends like him, nor his co-workers. He's just too stuck-up and egoistic. He's sworn at my parents and belittled them. His parents have never failed to join him on that front.
I had begun to lose trust in love, to lose faith in relationships. I noticed myself becoming weaker and weaker. I would laugh out loud to the world, but a sea of tears would be falling out from the corner of my eyes. I still can't believe I put up with him all these years?!?!
But I don't regret any of this. I am glad life has taught me all the lessons I ought to have learned in my childhood itself. When I faced hardships, I grew stronger and wiser.
There was a time wherein I've worked my way through grad school, while managing a home. I managed paying off my tuition even if it took me to work odd jobs.
I have lived in reality, and I'm thankful for that. I can boast of having seen life quite closely, and can help others who are going through something similar.
The past few years has given me the power to understand my surrounding minutely, and be a wise observer. It has mellowed me down a lot than before. But now it's time to move on. And at this point, I am THANKFUL I have no kids (I wouldn't have had them anyway by technical reasons).
I'm just waiting till I get a job that pays me enough to survive on my own. My current job isn't something I can rely on. I definitely cannot pay bills, definitely not! I believe it's fair, in this situation, to think about myself first.
I wouldn't say I'm using him to pay my bills. It's like a give and take thing, like I mentioned earlier. But this can't go on, and shouldn't.
My parents have always told me I can leave him anytime I wanted to, but in the end I am the one who'll be responsible for the consequences that follow.
Hence I'm trying to build a nest for myself, away from here, before I migrate to that. I know I'm going to do it, and I know why am I going to do it. Just don't know when. I'm desperately applying for higher paying jobs right now, that match my decent qualifications, but the economy isn't still picking up.
I now try to spend more time with my girlfriends, and books. I listen to soothing music and try to remain positive. The best part about my personality is that I get joy from the smallest of things, and there are plenty to go around.
So, I'm never down in the dumps, in spite of being in a severally abusive relationship. My positive attitude and bright spirits have kept me moving. I'm a fighter, and I know there is a God. I am going to get out there and become the fitness instructor I've always wanted to be! Whoohoo!!!!