Can I Be Friends With My Ex?

by Lisa
(San Diego. CA)

Visitors Question:

My ex and I broke up about six months ago, but we have maintained a sort of friendship. I must say that I still enjoy his company, as he is also my best friend. There is just one little problem. I am still in love with him, and he just doesn't feel the same way about me. He obviously still likes me or else he would not be coming around, but I can see the romantic type of love that I want from him is gone from his side.

Again I really value his friendship, but am I just causing myself more pain by trying to remain friends with him, knowing in my heart that I want more? Do you think that remaining in this type of "friendly" relationship will keep me from finding the type of love that I really want and need? Is it a lost cause?

Answer
Well Lisa, there's reasons for everything and almost everything happens for a reason. Do you know what caused the spiral down on his part? Maybe there is something that you can rekindle. What mistakes did you make? Did you go over all of this in your head? Did you take time to think about it? Remember, I'm sure there are things going on in head as well, so don't think for a minute that you're by yourself with this.

Then sometimes there's a little too late to blow air back into the balloon because the balloon has already popped. Sometimes unfortunately, there isn't anything anyone can do to change the way a person feels. Time heals all wounds. You just may have to take that hit on the chin and learn from the experience.

I don't even like the answer to this question because I know it's a big nut to swallow sometimes, but I'm only trying to keep it real with ya.

I hope I've answered your question and given you a little something to go on. Good luck and take care.

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Jan 03, 2010
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Is is worth it?
by: Anonymous

Lisa,

Your problem is not unique! Sometimes we want to stay friends with our ex, but it puts us between a rock and a hard place. We love them, still want them in our lives even it is just for friendship. We don't want to lose them totally for fear that if we cut all ties, there will be no chance for reconciliation. Out of sight out of mind they call it! We feel that if we are at least in their lives as a friend, that somehow magically we will rekindle some type of romance, and that somehow that will stop them from really being involved with someone else. WRONG! Does he hold you, make love to you, kiss you, look at you like he still has those type of for you? Has he spent any part of the past holiday with you. Can he go five minutes without checking his phone. Does he still call you often? Do you find that he is much more unavailable than he used to be. If this is the case, PLEASE PLEASE don't confuse friendship with
anything else than what it is., FRIENDSHIP! I know you love him, but you may have to accept the fact that he has truly moved on. If the answers to my questions above are no, and if he is much more unavailable, chances are he is in a relationship with someone else. If the thought of this possiblitly is too much for you to handle, you may just have to love him from afar for now. If you still continue to see him, you will always be hurt everytime he leaves, imagining him making love , having fun, and sharing things you once shared with him with someone else the minute he leaves you. Believe me these kinds of thoughts can become very vivid and comsuming. Are you willing you compromise your mental well being on a slim chance that you MAY get back together? Is the crying and lack of concentration really worth it? Sometimes people that we love can seem like a drug. We feel we have to have them and become sick when we don't. Like a drug, sometimes you have to go through complete withdrawal to find out you don't need them as much as you think you do. Sure you want them with every inch of your being, but you don't need them. The bottom line is that if he really wanted you, you would know it in your heart. No matter what you do, or how may times you tell him things can be different for you two, if he does not want you, he does not want you. Nothing you do or say can change that. Like Clay has said, you cannot force people to feel about you the way you want them to. May I suggest a book to help you through this time in your life. It is called " In the Meantime " by Iyanla Vanzant. It is about finding yourself and the love you want. You must find the love in yourself before you can even think about finding love with someone else. Love starts within. Therapy is also very helpful. It is helping me, and I also find that keeping a diary of my thoughts and feelings are also helpful. I wish you all the best.

Dec 26, 2009
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Trust God
by: Anonymous

Hi Lisa,

Have you ever heard the saying " God never closes one door without opening a new one."? If you really feel there is no chance of your ex loving you the way you love him, maybe it is time to stop trying to pry open that door and instead put a dead bolt on it. I am not saying that friendship is out of the question, but you may need stop seeing him until you are over him. Anything else will probably cause you unnecessary pain and heartache. How will you see that door God will open up for you if you keep trying to force open the closed one?

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