Should I Leave or Should I Stay?

by sugarquill

Visitors Question

Hi! I am from Manila in the Philippines. Just to let you know, 'cause some situations may not apply to me as that with someone living in the United States.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 years. When I met him, I was only 16 and I didn't really paid much attention to his bad behaviors. He grew up in a foster home. His parents divorced when he was young and he was sexually molested when he was a child. He dropped out of highschool and is now a professional bum. He smokes, drinks and goes out with his friends a lot. Whenever we go out on dates I always end up footing the bill but I never complained. 6 years into our relationship, we decided to move in together.

Needless to say, he is a total mooch. I work, pay the bills and rent, put food on the table and tried to make both ends meet with the meager income that I have. I try to make our lives as comfortable as possible since we don't have a child. I only asked him one thing: try his best to at least search for a job or run the house (like a house husband). But he doesn't. Whenever I come home from work, the house is in disarray and you can definitely tell that the dogs are starving. I still even need to do the laundry. He would complain if he wants something that I can't afford it. He complains that we're still renting and I don't have the capacity to purchase a house. He drinks everynight (he says he cannot sleep if he doesn't drink). I decided to put up a business for him but it went bankrupt in less than 6 months. I got him a motorcycle for him to have an "inspiration" to work but I ended up paying for the thing myself. Now it has gotten worse. Since having the motorcycle, he goes on out of town trips leaving me alone in the house for days- no calls, no texts. I am getting very frustrated. If he doesn't have gas money, he would sell stuff from the house or steal money from my purse while I'm asleep. He's getting very dependent on alcohol. Our finances are starting to suffer. My family is completely against him, but I stuck with him all throughout with the thought that God must have a purpose why He gave me this man.

Now I would like to kick him out of the house to teach him a lesson but I am having mixed emotions about it. He said that I should "understand him" because he had a bad childhood and that he has nowhere else to go (his foster family does not want anything to do with him anymore). He said if I leave him, he would destroy me (not necessarily kill me) and end his life. He is not asking for another chance nor is he apologetic for his actions. Whenever I ask him to leave, he keeps coming back. I'm tired and we are having heated arguments everyday about his behaviors. And I know, I am also part of the abuse because sometimes I cannot control the words coming out of my mouth out of anger. I plan on going out of the country in 2012 to work and send him money for our future, but since he cannot be trusted with finances, the future seems very uncertain for both of us.

I'm starting to lose all the respect I have for myself and I feel that I deserve more. I have already accepted my fate to be the breadwinner of the family, but I want a husband to come home to and not a troublesome child that I need to take care of. We are not yet married and we don't have a kid. Sometimes a perfect opportunity to escape presents itself to me but I feel really guilty leaving him knowing that he will end up homeless or in jail... or worst, the cemetery.

I still love him dearly and I pray everynight for guidance and divine intervention for him to change for the better. He's pulling us down and I don't want to sink with him. I am only 26 and I have full life ahead of me. Please help....

Sincerely,

sugarquill

Answer:
Well oh well. I wouldn't blame god for choosing this man for you. I'd have to blame you.

If you're not happy with him, don't think for a minute that you can change him.

He's had certain serious issues from the very beginning but he's not as screwed up in the head as you many think.

People know right from wrong and also know what they're doing.

As for you, if you're not happy, you'll have to make some relationship changes and some personal changes for yourself.

Ask yourself a question like, do I deserve this? What am I really worth?

I hope I gave you something to go on. Take care, good luck and all the best.

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